Writer's Obsessions: Pen, Paper, Plot.

My boyfriend is getting married in a month and a half. To someone else. But I'm in love with him. I miss him every second that we aren't together. My heart is physically hurting thinking about it. I'm panicking thinking about losing him. Help.

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I miss you all terribly. I miss fandom. I miss writing and reading fic. I miss my sisters and all my friends in the fandom. Reality is becoming a little too much for me lately.

Some of you know the whole story with John some of you don't. But I guess I'll update you all anyway cause I'm confused as hell. We've been on again off again having an affair for the last six months. I have serious feelings for him. Sometimes I think he's got some for me and others I just don't know. Every time after we are together he says its the last time but it never is. I'm starting to not believe him anymore. He says he feels guilty.

He's getting married in like two months. I don't know what's gonna happen after that honestly. I'm still hoping he realizes that if he really loved her he wouldn't be sleeping with me all the time and doesn't go through with it.

Meh.

Really though I'm feeling rather apathetic about everything right now which isn't a good sign. Idk.

I'm not really sure I have anything else to say except I miss you all very much.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

You'll have to forgive any major typos cause I'm writing this on my phone at 7 in the morning before class and I'm half asleep.

So I'm back in school. Again. For reals this time. Trying to finish my degree. It's gonna be a long process but the first week went ok though I was half asleep the entire time. Work and school together is really hard. :(

Work sucks. I know I should be thankful to have a job but seriously my job sucks. Anyone wanna trade? My boss is a big bully which I know sounds childish but there's just no other way to describe it. He recently forced a transfer of one of my best friends at work just because she stood up to him over some things that were going on. She has since complained to HR and the situation is getting so bad that a lot of my coworkers are sending complaints about him to HR and they are currently shadowing him at work. Which means his been on his best behavior for them. Last week though I was trying to get a shift covered so I could go see my brother compete at state finals for wrestling (:)) and was denied so that another coworker could get the morning off to go play soccer in my bosses adult league. I was pissed. It's actually a much more complicated story than that but that's the gist.

On the boy front... I'm still seeing John. Kinda. We both keep saying we're just going to be friends and coworkers and then we keep ending up in bed together. He is still engaged and he's still my boss and I'm still more emotionally involved than he is. Story of my life. Side note: making out with your boss at work can be fun... Lol

I found out about a month ago that my dad will be filling bankruptcy and we are going to lose the house I've lived in for the majority of my life. I cried for a good solid hour and then realized that its probably a good thing. My mom and I will be able to move into an apartment and she will actually receive her alimony instead of it going directly to a house payment. That being said the word foreclosure is big and scary and we don't actually know how long we have in the house still. It's looming over my head and stressing me out.

My mom fell quite ill on NYE and was in the hospital for a week. Long story short there was a lot of hubbub and they thought she might have tuberculosis but in the end she came out with: double pnuemonia, a lesion on her lung (they couldn't figure that one out) high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes. I was really worried about how she was going to adjust but she's actually doing very well and I'm really proud of her.

I finally admitted to my parents that I was raped two years ago while I was away at school. I posted about it after it happened but that was before I had even admitted to myself what actually happened. I then promptly "forgot" about it for the last two years until it had built up so much that it all came out during a fight with my stepmom. As much as I have issues with my stepmom she's actually been a godsend helping me deal with this. I finally told my actual parents two weeks ago. I think they are struggling to figure out how to treat me. They are certainly much more overprotective now than they were a month ago. And my dad seems to feel guilty. Odd that it took me getting raped for him to finally feel that emotion towards me. I still have to tell my dads parents and my aunt and uncle on his side it's just not something I want to do via Skype so it will have to wait until I can make a trip up there. I don't think I'm going to tell anyone on my moms side. It's hard to imagine them even caring so I won't waste my energy.

I suppose I really should update more often I just kinda shut down for a while there. I didn't realize how much not telling anyone about my rape was actually weighing me down but I do feel so much better now. Although now that I'm talking about it it's in the front of my mind and I'm thinking about it a lot more which cause some pretty big mood swings. I feel a little bit crazy most days but that's really nothing new lol. I'm going to start seeing a therapist whenever I get a few hours off of school and work. I think I need to. I hope it will help.

I guess when it rains it pours huh? But actually I'm doing ok. Most days. I love you guys. I miss you terribly. I know I'm a horrible friend for not being here most of the time but even when I'm not here I'm thinking about you. I would love to hear from you all. Some of you have my number if you don't leave me a comment an I will get it to you. I have unlimited texting and I need to make better use of it.

I love you all :)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

So a few days ago I mentioned that I wanted to read a lot of books this year (well 13 months cause I couldn't let this months reading go to waste lol). Its kinda nuts I don't think I'll be able to do it but we'll see I guess.

December 1, 2011 to December 31, 2012:
1. Wolves Boys & Other Things That Might Kill Me by Kristen Chandler (Not very good. I was disappointed.)
2. Across The Universe by Beth Revis (Love this book!)
3. The Unthinkable Thoughts Of Jacob Green by Joshua Braff
4. City Of Bones by Cassandra Clare (I just found out about the whole scandal with her which is dissapointing. However I do like this series.)
5. City Of Ashes by Cassandra Clare
6. City Of Glass by Cassandra Clare
7. City Of Fallen Angels by Cassandra Clare
8. Reckless by Cornelia Funke
9. Thank You Notes by Jimmy Fallon
10. The Luxe by Anna Godbersen
11. A Million Suns: An Across The Universe Story by Beth Revis (I freaked out when I saw that this was out. A very nice sequel.)
12. Hatter by Daniel Coleman
13. Matched by Ally Condie (Love them. I can't wait for the next book in the series to come out.)
14. Crossed by Ally Condie
15. Alice In Deadland by Mainak Dhar (Seriously, don't even bother. Alice in Wonderland Zombie style. Not worth your time or money.)
16. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins (I know I'm way late but OMG I love it! Very excited about the movie coming out soon.)
17. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins (LOVED IT)
18. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins (BEST OF THE SERIES!!!)
19. Lizard People by Charlie Price (Pointless book. I feel like the author just wrote something and then had one of his friends publish it just so he could say he's a published author.)
20. The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams (My Dad's been on me for years to read it. It was ok I guess. Definitely my Dad's humor.)
21. The Bicentennial Man And Other Stories by Isaac Asimov
22. Fearless by Francine Pascal
23. Sam by Francine Pascal
24. Run by Francine Pascal
25. Twisted by Francine Pascal
26. Kiss by Francine Pascal
27. Payback by Francine Pascal
28. Rebel by Francine Pascal
29. Heat by Francine Pascal
30. Blood by Francine Pascal
31. Liar by Francine Pascal
32. Trust by Francine Pascal
33. Killer by Francine Pascal
34. Bad by Francine Pascal

I'm already running a bit behind scehdule. I should be reading about 15 books a month. But I just don't know that I can pull off a book every other day.

Update February 3: Right so I'm really behind schedule already. I'm going to try to throw in some shorter books for a bit to try and catch up a bit. I know its too early to throw in the towel but right now I'm thinking I'll be lucky if I hit 100. We are 8% of the way there lol. 

Update March 9: Still a bit behind but I'm catching up because of this series that I found that has like 40 books in it but they are all not very long. We are 17% done.

since I wrote anything. So in an effort to get back on the horse as it were I am going to write a drabble of some sort (maybe two) and then I am going to try to finish writing that story I said I was going to that came from Muggle Ingenuity. So it is now 3 a.m. hopefully by 5 I have something written. :) wish me luck

I know... dangerous, but I think I tend to always get this way when a new guy comes into my life. Especially when the "relationship" is less than what I would want it to be. Which to be honest is every time. Anyways I've been thinking a lot about my exes and I how I seem utterly incapable of actually deleting them from my lives. This whole thing occurred to me the other night (not for the first time but this is the most recent time) when I was bored and started shooting off random texts. I realized that I was only sending them to guys more specifically guys that I've been intimate with (and my best friend who I will admit to having a crush on for a while there).

First there is David. We've been over since my birthday two years ago (well that was the last time we hooked-up anyways) and I use over as a very liberal term seeing as we were never really together in the first place. But we have pretty much texted each other every single day this year. Since new years eve when I drunk texted him (or maybe he drunk texted me? I really don't remember I was REALLY drunk that night. I think I posted about it though I could go back and check lol) we have been pretty much in contact every night. I seem to have a very hard time not talking to him. I realized that I still kinda refer to him in a possesive way. I think of him as mine. I even mentally think of what we have as a relationship when really all it is is a long distance friendship with somewhat more than occasional sexting. I think I'm afraid that if I let go of him I'll never have another guy that really gets my kinkiness. I know that sounds stupid but we were really sexually compatible and I'm afraid I'll never have that again. Which is ridiculous because in all reality there about a one in a thousand chance that David and I will ever actually have sex again. But he makes me feel sexy which to be honest, no other guy has ever really done for me. (I kinda just realized that as I was writing this and it made me really sad.)

Then there is Tony: Who is my BFF and I love him and I worry about him and I miss him and I hate his girlfriend and I want him to come home. And while he is admittedly very sexy I wouldn't dream of having a sexual relationship with him. I'm terrified to lose his friendship.

Next is Derek: Who to be honest I hadn't talked to in about a month before the other night and I thought I was doing really well but then I just really missed the attention and was feeling lonely. So I texted him and I dont even think it was worth it. He's kinda a douchebag. 

And the newest edition "J": I know what he wants from me. I know he's getting married. (That should bother me way more than it does) But I still find myself reaching out to him. The other night it was like 2 am and he called me and wanted to come over. I told him that wasn't possible (cause frankly im not getting freaky in my moms house and I hadnt shaved and just didn't feel like it. Great I know.) And then he suggested driving over (he lives about 15 minutes away) parking down the street and me giving him a bj and then him just leaving. Frankly knowing what I've done over the years this shouldn't make me feel any cheaper than any of those other things but it did. I felt so cheap and that he would think that I would be okay with that really hurt my pride. So I tried explaining this to him not realizing that he was totally drunk at the time. I think he took my offense as me saying I wanted an actually relationship because then he started talking about how he wanted me but with no attachments. Which I get really, and at the time I thought I was okay with it. But now I just keep thinking about all the stuff I'm missing out on being in that kind of a "relationship". So I find myself asking if its better to have this than nothing at all. Im not really sure what my answer is yet though.

Truthfully I don't like that he makes me feel cheap and like something to be thrown away which again I don't think I fully realized until I started writing this. But I have also realized that I'm an attention whore in a way. I think I keep them around because I'm lonely. They make me feel less lonely for a little bit. But I always end up feeling extra lonely afterwards.

I've taken to mentally calling them my harem and I'm kinda thinking about writing about it all. Who knows it might be cathartic? Blogging about it on her always seems to help me get my thoughts a little better organized.

Maybe I should see someone about all this but sadly I don't have health insurance and even if I did I couldn't afford a shrink.

In other less depressing news... I'm going back to school (I know... again... but it's for real this time) I'm currently getting all my shit together and plan to start classes in February. I have a good feeling about it but I tend to always start out with a good feeling about it.

And the worst part is that I know I brought it on myself. 

So there's a guy. We work together, he's one of my managers (reason one why we have to keep quiet), he's much older (31), and did I mention he's engaged (I know I am terrible person, but I can't really help the fact that they only guys that show any interest in me are already taken).

So the other day he adds me on Facebook, which I thought was a little odd because the only words we had ever exchanged up to that point were work related, but I accepted the requested thinking that he was probably just adding all his new co-workers (he recently transferred from a store in a different area). Then the next day I get a message from him at like 3 a.m. (I was awake as per usual) saying "go to bed" as a joke. Well we started playfully flirting (this was before I realized he was engaged) and exchanged numbers.

I didn't really think any thing of it, pretty much just chalking it up to us both having flirty personalities. But then the next day he texted me and we started talking and talked all night and the conversation got pretty sexual. He wanted me to come over to hangout which I'm always wary of and so I told him I was staying in that night and maybe we could hang out another night. he wouldn't really drop it but then he asked me if it would be okay to cuddle when we hung out. I thought it would be fine and said so but then he started asking about if i liked back rubs and would I like him to give me one. And could i take my shirt off when he give me one. And it all started spiralling out of hand very fast. 

By this point I knew about his fiancee and tried telling him I didn't think any of that was a good idea for us to be doing if he was getting married. He started telling me that he and his fiancee were having problems and he didn't think they were gonna stay together much longer and blah blah blah. In my heart I think I know its all a lie but I wanted to believe him so I went along with it. We fell asleep texting each other and the next day I woke up to a good morning text from him, which I'm sad to say is one of my weaknesses.

So all that day we were texting and he asked if I would come over that night and I said yes. I am ashamed to admit that I only did it because I was really turned on by our discussions and at the point I didn't really care about any of the other stuff. 

During our conversations I had tried to set some ground rules about what would happen when we hungout but I knew that I have no self-control and I was probably going to do whatever he wanted anyways. And I did. Which was fun. We hooked up and I enjoyed it and I didn't even feel guilty which I know I should have but I just didn't care.

That night when I got home I asked him if he had wanted this to be a one-off thing. I told him that I was fine if thats what he wanted but I would rather know now than be wondering and overthinking and you know general me issues. He told me he wasn't sure yet but he had had fun. He said he was going to bed and told me to text him tomorrow (which is today btw).

So I went to sleep and woke up thinking about the night before, slightly ashamed that I had let it go as far as it did but generally in a good mood. I sent him a quick good morning text before I went off to work. It was still fairly early and I figured he would still be asleep so I didn't think too much about it when I didn't get a response back. Three hours later I started to think it was a little weird but I put it out of my mind. At around six hours I started to obsessively check my phone every other minute for a response. At 8 hours I was starting to get annoyed and stubbornly refused to look at my phone for an hour.

By 5:30 when my shift was over I was so in my head overthinking why he hadn't responded that I decided maybe he just didn't get that text and I should send another just too make sure. This is what our conversation looked like:

8:30 a.m. ME: Morning ;)
5:30 p.m. ME: ooor not
5:31 p.m. J: Dork I was busy doing yard work all day ;)
5:31 p.m. ME: Lol ok. How was that>
5:32 p.m. J: Tiring let me text you later I just left the store and I'm running late
5:32 p.m. ME: Ok talk to you later

It is now 10 and NOTHING. I don't know if he's avoiding me or if he really is busy or ANYTHING. My brain is on overdrive and I really would just like to know one way or the other because then I can get my brain together in one direction. Also if he is avoiding me its going to make work really awkward. 

And to top it all off I keep thinking about last night and now I'm all horny again. I think this is just going to end up as another entry into my Sex Life Fail diary. 

Edit: I may have freaked out too soon. He texted me back, he really was busy. Although no mention of if we are going to do it again or not. Le sigh. I'll keep you updated.

So I started writing a fic today. It's actually the multi-chapter I said I'd write if "Muggle Ingenuity" was well recieved. As of right now it's just an outline of the first chapter but it's more than I've writen in months (years?) and I'm kinda proud of it.

On the other hand I've been retreating back into the fandom more lately. I think it's just because I've had this crushing feeling of lonliness lately. I feel very isolated and it's frustrating. It's rather disappointing because I was doing so well for a while there. 

This is the shortest update I've ever written lol. 

I know I know it doesn't happen a lot but every once in a while I have a moment of clarity and the light is blinding and heavenly choirs sing. SO here it is.

I realized that at this point in my life I don't NEED the fandom. Which is not to say that I don't love you all and I am NOT trying to sound like an ungrateful shit. Entirely the opposite in fact. I am EXTREMELY grateful to the fandom for getting me through some of the hardest times in my life. And I have no doubt in my mind that had I not stumbled upon it one afternoon whilst not doing my homework that I would most likely not be alive to write this.

But thats the thing fandom is something that is where I go when I'm having a hard time. ALWAYS. The second things turn upside down for me I'm right back here. So I think the fact that I haven't been so dependent on it lately is a GOOD thing. It means I'm doing good. I'm somewhat (as much as I can be lol) stable. I'm in a good place.

Now I'm sure that someday I'll be back here desperately needing the fandom to keep me above ground. And I hope for my sanity's sake that it still be around when I need it. But today I'm glad I don't.

I'm probably going to be losing my job in the next couple of weeks. Fuck Albertsons. Seriously how can you expect to function after laying off 15% of your employees. OH and give away 25 million dollars in a sweepstakes for customers at the same time. Whoever is planning our corporate business plans needs to be fired not the people who actually keep the stores running. Its bullshit. 

I guess I'll let you guys know what happens. :/